Question 7. What were you hoping to get from (the results you wanted from) your ex-gay experience?
412 participants out of 417 answered this question.
Written Responses:
Below are as many responses as could be included. For the most part, these responses were left exactly as written. If they were edited or removed it was a result of protecting anonymity, improper grammar to the degree that the statement was significantly hard to understand, or the response was just too long.
I wanted to feel sexual attraction to the opposite sex and feel normal so I could be the kind of minister the church said I should be - a heterosexual one.
I would have been happy as a monk, happy as a husband to a woman, but never thought it possible to be happy as a queer.
To be 100% straight; not bi or in any way not the perfect picture of a "godly Xtian woman."
To find out whether I actually was gay or not!
I just wanted people to be happy with me. I didn't want anyone to be disappointed in me. I also was afraid I would go to hell and I had been convinced that sexuality was learned and that I could change. |
I had so much self hatred by the time i went to this ex gay ministry I was anorexic. After I went to this place it made me open my eyes that being gay isn't a sin and I then started on the road to my own recovery of self love and acceptance with other kinder people.
A joy-filled happy and healthy life.
So far as I understood, inner and outer daily life, church life, being a regular guy, and a strict holiness path were all one big whole. All the body and self crucifying never seemed to release the greatly promised real heterosexual me in any emotionally or erotically true way whatsoever. Distancing from my same sex feelings and all the 'gay' parts of me only rendered me into a more capable pretender, along with making me even weirder inside (and probably, outside, too). I would not wish any of this church and life stuff on a homeless stray dog, let alone any human being. Let alone my extended family and church networks.
| | I had no hopes for the experience other than to not be a part of it as I was forced into it by family. |
To come to terms with any lingering homosexual thoughts/feelings that remained (i.e., learn how to deal with them)
I wanted to be acceptable, to God, myself, and others. I wanted to be righteous (as I understood the term). I wanted to have a family and be a good mother. There was no real place in the communities I lived in for women as autonomous sexual beings, even if they were straight. There was no place for LGBTQ folks either; their existence was hardly even acknowledged. I believed that to be pleasing to God is a difficult thing, and that there was a particular narrow range of acceptable ways that a believing woman can be, so I would have to force myself into that mold no matter how hard it was. And failure was not an option, because that would mean that I would go to hell, or so I thought.
to hide
| | To have healthy non-sexual relationships with other guys (not that I'd had any non-healthy or sexual relationships with guys). This was from the whole lie I bought into about not being close with my father and just needing a good masculine role model. |
Was told my sexuality could turn into other worse "perversions", such as pedophilia or unrestrained sex addiction.
It aways came back to trying to be in the norm... Trying to be in the heterosexual world.
To gain a greater spiritual understanding of the masculine expression. To be able to feel more like a real man, rather than a second class citizen.
please parents
To have healthy non-sexual relationships with other guys (not that I'd had any non-healthy or sexual relationships with guys). This was from the whole lie I bought into about not being close with my father and just needing a good masculine role model.
To know and enjoy Christ's love for me as I journey towards healing and purity. To continue my journey towards HIM and experience liberation from self centeredness. To have healthy same sex relationships and cease to project on other men, what my creator has already given me in Christ.
I honestly just wanted to be rid of what was making me feel so horrible about myself. But I had no problem with my sexuality but it was a burden because of the way others treated me because of it.
All the body and self crucifying never seemed to release the greatly promised real heterosexual me in any emotionally or erotically true way whatsoever. Distancing from my same sex feelings and all the 'gay' parts of me only rendered me into a more capable pretender. |
Not to go back to drugs and alcohol
1Th 4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication.
To have a purpose in educating the church. To challenge the church as to what to do with me.
I have gain not only approval of God, but his favor.
Main goal for me was to be a perfect Godly man, and to reconcile my deep Christian beliefs with my homosexual constitution. To find a way to live a celibate abstinent life as a homosexually constituted Phallic-centric Christian man.
healing.
no choice
To become less gender non-conforming.
I wanted to be able to marry a woman and father children. I thought I was horribly sinful. I thought I was going to hell. I thought I was unlovable as I was. I thought that I didn't deserve to be loved as I was. I was so naive that the first time I fell in love I didn't recognize the feeling and thought I was being too emotionally needy and dependent.
I wanted to be acceptable, to God, myself, and others. I wanted to be righteous (as I understood the term). I wanted to have a family and be a good mother. There was no real place in the communities I lived in for women as autonomous sexual beings, even if they were straight. There was no place for LGBTQ folks either; their existence was hardly even acknowledged. I believed that to be pleasing to God is a difficult thing, and that there was a particular narrow range of acceptable ways that a believing woman can be, so I would have to force myself into that mold no matter how hard it was. And failure was not an option, because that would mean that I would go to hell, or so I thought. |
To no longer have to deal with abusive GLBT.
I was primarily looking for community with others coming from a similar place and I was hoping to get some help as I realized that I hated myself and was trying to figure out what I believed about my sexuality.
I honestly thought that if I "proved " to God that I loved Him, He would reward me by making me straight.
SOCE Survey Results are © Copyright 2013. Jallen Rix, Ed.D., ACS and BeyondExGay.com.
