Survey Results Question 13

Question 13. What have you done or experienced that has helped you to recover and undo the ex-harm?

325 participants out of 417 answered this question.

The answers to this question were typed in, which required compiling them “by hand.” Still, after 325 responses there were some pretty clear categories. Without taking the time to build a colorful graph (which Survey Monkey does automatically for the checked options), here are the numbers:

Number of people mentioning this topic - Topic:

85 - Found an accepting community / church

65 - Found an “unbiased” / accepting therapist

46 - Found / received support from a same-sex relationship

41 - Further education

39 - Learned self-acceptance / self-love

35 - Came out / talk or write about it

25 - Connected with other religious abuse / ex-gay survivors.

20 - Accessed the internet to find resources / support

19 - Left religion

18 - Realized God does not condemn them for being gay / “God loves me the way I am.”

15 - Got involved with the Gay Christian Network

14 - Met actual LGBTQ Christians

13 - Helping others to avoid / recover from SOCEs.

12 - Had spiritual revelation / growth

11 - Met actual LGBTQ people

10 - Prayer

10 - Keeping their distance from ex-gays

9 - Sought positive LGBTQ role models

9 - Just moved on / lived my life

8 - Went on medication

7 - Became political / activists

6 - Forgave the past

5 - Explored positive sexuality / sexual activities

5 - Simply changed life / started over

4 - Watched media / movies

4 - Used art as self-expression / healing

4 - Became a therapist / counselor

4 - Joined PFLAG

The top most common activities for recovery are the very things that many people want as goals in their life: An accepting community, a lasting romantic relationship, a therapist (a listening ear) which often had the precursor of “real,” “professional,” “affirming” or “unbiased.” So these participants did not find the very foundational aspects of life in the ex-gay experience, but they did find them after leaving the SOCE, and these aspects were most healing to them.

Written Responses:

Below are as many responses as could be included. For the most part, these responses were left exactly as written. If they were edited or removed it was a result of protecting anonymity, improper grammar to the degree that the statement was significantly hard to understand, or the response was just too long.

I suppose that I just started to live my life. My marriage to a woman was destroyed. There was no "going back" for me, so I was forced to move forward. I was 27 at the time of my ex-gay experience. It was my “last ditch” effort to live as a straight man and to salvage my marriage. I am now 55, share my life with my long time partner, and enjoy a wonderful family life with my sons, their wives and our grandchildren. My ex wife was unable to accept any of this and has removed herself from my life, as well as the lives of her children, all in the name of "Christianity." It has been a long road to where we all are today. BUT, I still feel “harmed” and condemned by the church that I loved. I still feel anger at the pain that was inflicted on me at a time when I so desperately needed support and compassion.

I have forgiven those involved. I believe that these people are actually good people who intended to help me; it was not their goal to cause confusion and harm. I realize that they really believed what they were teaching and several of them are also "ex-gay" themselves, so they NEED to believe what they are teaching for themselves as well. None of the leaders asked me to do anything that they had not done themselves (and believed that it worked).

Actually, the internet has made it easier for me to accept my feelings. I haven't gone back to psychotherapy. But going on the net and chatting with other men in similar situation helps. Also, gay erotica on the internet has helped. Yes, I know many people are harshly judgmental about porn, especially gay porn, but it has helped me expand my horizons in a good way. (And I'm not addicted to porn either. I have good moral values in life.) But I'm thinking I need face to face conversation about this, say in counseling again, even though this has been going on for a while. Any suggestions?

Its in the early days... but I am in the process of accepting myself and learning to embrace my individuality and the gifts that are inherent in me. My ex-fiancee is supportive as I was always honest with her, and this relationship is very healing for me as she continues to love and support me

nothing

Married someone of the right sex, and gone postal on anyone who dares even consider that I or my gay brothers and sisters might be somehow "less than". THAT'S CRAP, AND I DON'T MIND YELLING THAT FACT.

Massive amounts of REAL therapy. Medicated and developed coping skills to deal with actual mental illnesses. Studying sex education resources I had never before received. Having copious amounts of safe sex with partners who love and respect me, learning not to fear intimacy. Explored kink and BDSM to no longer fear it. Remove almost all of the people from that time in my life who still want me to try ex-gay again. Found a support network, made good friends who let me talk, refused to date un-supportive people. Taking psychology, philosophy and various remedial community college courses to understand myself, the world around me, and to catch up with other people my age education wise (my high school education was put on the back burner because of ex-gay and training to be a street evangelist, I was technically a drop out, now have GED).

I think I am just now beginning to acknowledge the harm. I didn't know this pain could exist . . . it was never validated until recently.

I've tried counseling and anti-depressants but still have terrible self esteem issues. I'm still terrified of relationships and sex and feel like I wasted so much time that life has passed me by. I am scared that I'll always be alone.

I learned what love is. I am in a positive psychotherapy relationship.

Therapy, meet other gay people, make my own family

I came out into the secular gay community and met many other gay men and women, and that painted a very different picture of what life as gay life can look like. As a result, my beliefs about myself and about my sexuality changed and made me a happy and healthier person.

Developed a lasting same sex relationship

Activities that helped me reality test all the negative claims that my church, family, and childhood involved have included: (1) lots of reading, study, research; (2) getting involved in positive social or volunteer activities in community at large and in local LGBT communities; (3) Coming out and staying out in my adult life; (4) keeping a courteous distance from family or neighbors who continue to hold very negative views about my adult gay man life; (5) getting serious therapy as often, for as long, as I repeatedly have felt I needed help or wanted help; (6) not being afraid of meds or stigmatized by meds. Finally, not giving up no matter how awful life got, or gets, or might get.

The decision never to let one of those people near me again.

I have volunteered in LGBT focused groups and events, and mentored other LGBT youth struggling like I did

Through finding an affirming church, I later was able to accept and love myself, and then took a further step to eliminate religion from my life. As I put the pieces of my life, my emotions, my self-image back together, I find no room for religion, and I am happy with that.

Got heavily into ministry and other experiences as a gay man - and love myself more.

Been honest with myself, as I was before I found faith. I was just fine till Christians started jacking with my life and head.

Stayed away from Christians for a long time. Stopped talking about homosexuality with Christians. Stopped telling people how I really feel. Stopped being friends with Christians, who condemn it and stopped being as much connected to a Church as I would wish I could; but it hurts too much when they say you're a bad role model and an awful Christian.

I have attended inpatient trauma/addiction treatment for a total of 8 months, and have been in trauma counseling for 4 years.

I came out into the secular gay community and met many other gay men and women, and that painted a very different picture of what life as gay life can look like. As a result, my beliefs about myself and about my sexuality changed and made me a happy and healthier person.

I stopped apologizing for being alive. I started saying "yes" to life, listening to music again, and coming out to extended family members.

Therapy

Had a wonderful loving committed relationship with a same sex partner and I realized this was the happiest I had ever been and the most equally fulfilled.

Had sex with men. Joined an LGBTQ faith group. Talked to affirming pastors (gay and straight). Surround myself with gay christians. Remove myself from situations that speak double talk - say they are welcoming on one end but then turn around say that homosexuality is still a sin. Self-guided through books and literature. Take queer theology courses. See a spiritual director. Plan on going to counseling.

Therapy from a trained therapist (Not an ex-gay quack), acceptance from my friends, writing about what happen to me, speaking out about what happened to me, most important of all, the love of my partner.

Met men who are in stable loving relationships/marriages. I have also read literature on how to live life positively as a gay man.

I got a Ph.D in psychology and now help others who have been harmed by the ex-gay lies.

Reading, therapy, hanging out and meeting other GLBT and interacting with them with preconceived thoughts or feelings of the type of person they are. Noticing that the "Heterosexual lifestyle" has people who are depressed, alcoholics, drug users, high divorce rate and promiscuity , something that conversion folks never mention. They made the Heterosexual lifestyle seem so Holy and free of dysfunction.

I have now accepted myself as being gay and I enjoy being gay very much even though I am not sexually active to keep my marriage vows to my wife.

Developing a committed relationship with another woman, affirming psychotherapy, and joining a welcoming church.

It's a process, and time is helpful in reprogramming the mind and creating a new belief system/structure. Having gay role models was very important for me, and finding gay men that I wanted to be like was a great experience in my self acceptance. Before I was 60% depressed, 20% anxious, and 20% happy. Today I'm 90% content and happy and well there are certain triggers that will put me in a state of guilt/shame...and I'm currently seeking out help to learn how to deal with these feelings, which I think are feelings I suppressed during the ex-gay experience and want to find ways to cope with them. I think my attitude helps on how I deal with negative emotions. I embrace them, allowing myself to feel them and then let them go. I will not identify or attach the feeling with who I am as a person, I simply acknowledge the feeling, breath deep, and let go of it. It works.

Nothing, want to die

Coming out was a HUGE benefit. I also attend therapy sessions on a bi-weekly basis with someone who allows me to work through the damage. Finally, I attend an open and accepting church, where I still participate in worship as a leader.

I think I am just now beginning to acknowledge the harm. I didn't know this pain could exist . . . it was never validated until recently.

I have accepted that I am gay. I have accepted that this can not change. I am trying to view being gay as a good gift from God. I am trying to view my core identity as good. I am only beginning this journey, but I am scared to death of it. I treasure my relationship with my wife very deeply and at the same time I am in deep conflict - an internal conflict that I do not understand. At all. I have lost all sense of who I am. To try to figure out a way forward I have done the following: (1) found a gay-friendly marriage counselor to help us figure out our lives, (2) engaged any/all friends who are willing to help by listening and joining in this journey, (3) identified and joined online support groups for exgay survivors and people in mixed orientation marriages, (4) searched for role models, (5) read several books/literature on the effects of ex-gay treatment/mixed orientation relationships/the effects of coming out on the straight spouse and related topics, (6) read studies and scientific literature on the topic, (7) re-engaged with old friends who were ex-gay and have left that movement to accept that they are gay, (8) sought support from my church (but didn't find much), (9) occasional prayer and meditation. It feels like I am lost in a black hole. All the support I list above has been important, but all the support in the world hasn't made me find internal stability. I would not describe myself as someone who is recovering from ex-gay experiences. I hope that I will be able to describe myself that way in the future, but I can't really understand what recovery is right now.

A lot of introspection, successful transition (MTF)

I went to seminary and met lesbian and gay christians... I came out and found a partner who is (almost) perfect. I rethought my theology and began to take the bible as narrative and not to be taken literally. I found a mennonite church and a reformed synagogue who don’t blink an eye at my sexuality and help me on a spiritual journey

I got married to a same-sex partner :-)

Pay it forward. Show other members of the GLBT community that they are loved by God and perfect in His eyes,

Fully embraced my transsexuality and bisexuality.

A lot of research and introspection.

I stopped going to the abusive churches. I haven't found myself able to go to a gay-friendly church as I have such fear about stepping back into my "old life" and "old identity."

Met and developed a healthy same-sex relationship, now 16 years strong.

I found a Christian ministry that taught acceptance. I learned that I'm not an abomination.

Counseling, breaking taboos, educate myself about queer history and art, performed art to process my experiences, have met many types of queer people. Pursued faith on my own terms. Engaged in telling my story in media and as an activist.

Two years after walking away from God and the church, She touched me directly. I had never stopped believing in God's existence, but had grown to hate and despite Her because of the harm done to me. In the end it was an illegal drug, ecstasy, that broke the barrier and began the process of healing. However that process is extremely slow, and more recently has been going backwards. The amount of antidepressants I need to function has been increasing steadily over time, and they no longer have any effect on my anxiety.

I stopped apologizing for being alive.

Years and years and years of therapy, on and off, to deal with the PTSD-esque nature of the anger that I still feel, decades after having come out. The financial cost of ex-gay ministry is not what I paid during the experience (which was nothing), but the thousands of dollars I have spent for therapy to get over the experience.

I fell in love with MYSELF

Through God's help I was able to reject the masculine stereotypes that had been forced upon me and prompted a huge amount of personal insecurity. Other things took more time and were more subtle. I realized in the midst of the ex-gay madness that I could no longer feel God's presence. I contacted Peterson Toscano and asked if he still had a strong relationship with God as an out gay man. When he said he did, I was able to move forward. I knew that I could not live without the sense of the presence of God in worship and such, and I am happy to say that I got that back after I left behind the ex-gay lies.

I have experienced genuine love and acceptance, with no strings attached, from those who I have let close to me. I have chosen to go with what I can reason for myself instead of believing others who claim to know God better than I do.

I am finally in a loving, committed same-sex relationship with someone who understands and accepts me.

Experienced God’s love

Pray, ironically.

Read lots of books and websites - including all the pro-gay ones I'd avoided before. Joined GCN and made good friends who helped me on my road to coming out. Saw a non-Christian counsellor for a few months to deal with aspects of coming out (and also losing my faith). Finally had my first sexual relationship - a positive experience!

Getting back into the community and a Gay Church

psychotherapy, relational discussion, personal spiritual journey, religious/academic study, hobbies

I have been in therapy long term with gay affirming therapist. I also joined PFLAG as support.

GLBT faith communities.

I have consciously worked to increase my self esteem by taking better care of myself, having more respect and reverence for my life.

Talked to a friend and a sibling so far. Not sure what to do or where to go now.

Have seen a couple therapists, one of whom was gay.

Watched the documentary on Love in Action

Tried to avoid whatever I related to religion

Had therapy, gay affirmative

Learned to throw the rhetoric out the window, as well as anything that was not true. Learned to accept myself as I am, that God loves me as I am, and to be who I am (w/o the sexually-addicted behaviors, yet still love and admire men in a MORE healthy manner).

Met other gays and lesbians who lives through the psychological sadism of the religious right.

Changed everything about my life...career, looks, location...

Participated in LGBT community, Left religious community, Discussed LGBT issues with family, Discussed my coming out experiences with lovers and friends, Read about more correct understandings of sexuality

Discussed with my priest, participated in Gay Christian Network activities, met and made friends with deeply devoted Christians who are also GLBTQ.

I have only recently left the ministries - more because my counselor left the ministry. Now I live in a kind of limbo somewhere in the desert and am back in mainstream counseling.

Have just found the video by Matthew Vines and am starting to see my sexuality in a different light.

Good friends, good music, Religious Science classes, good books, lots of rest, good medication, a good psychiatrist.

Honestly, I still struggle with all the self hate that was created by ex-gay psychotherapy and conventions. I know I can't be in ANY relationship unless I love myself, unfortunately my experiences have taught me to hate myself. This is something I am still trying to work on.

Supportive relationship with my present partner.

Simple, I quit believing in a fantasy of a God that does not exist and decided to simply be myself. Took a "this is me, if you don't like it, fuck off." attitude.

Moved on. Allowed myself to experience a loving relationship.

Talked with others in similar place.

Pushed on with my life and abandoned the church and all it's teachings.

Prayed and forgave. Try to understand their fears and zeal for what they truly believe

Not very much so far. I have a wonderful girlfriend who is helping me a lot, she is very patient and listens to all my questions and thoughts. She leads me on the way towards a healthy, lesbian, christian life with much wisdom, love and support. I would not be where I am and who I am today without her.

Came back to God with a different understanding at which point the blessings came forth like I had never experienced.

Only to a small degree, but reading books about other men's experiences coming out has been of some initial help

Converted to judaism, meditation

Join a church were gays are welcome. The pastor is gay and has a partner.

I stuck with what guided me all along, the leading of the Holy Spirit and knowing inherently in my heart when something is right or wrong for me.

Knowing there are people out there that understand me where I am right now in the midst of the struggle, without judgment.

Still working it out, having a nonjudgemental understanding husband

Time

I came out, met someone, and got engaged.

Talk with non-ex-gay therapists, gay/bi men's support groups, open conversations with non-Christian friends, started dating men

Keep meeting people, hear their stories, study anthropology and see how much we all (straight or gay) have in common.

I finally started dating. Talking with my then-boyfriend made me realize that I really could be happy. And I've not been upset about it since.

I've had to undo anything that was done while I was in the program.

grieved

Believe God is the only judge

Intense therapy, having friends who love God and love who they are as LGBT men and women.

I have gone to a REAL counselor, who is LGBT affirming. I have also been completely honest with people, and accepted the fact that some people in the church are going to hate on me no matter what- the only person whose opinion matters is that of God, and I found out that He loves me whether I'm gay, straight or anything along the spectrum. The one thing that really mattered was my heart and that I actually DID love someone. I still am dealing with the self-hatred, depression and such...but I'm getting stronger and stronger every day.

Stayed away from people who want to change my sexuality.

My ex-girlfriend helped me through a lot of it.

Therapy (lots of therapy) Years of 12 step programs and a lot patients with myself and my process. I sued and exposed my perpetrators.

I've accepted who I am, based on the fact that the Bible does not condemn homosexuality.

The biggest thing that helped was that when I realized it wasn't working I just started fasting and praying about it myself and researching. That helped tremendously, but then I was able to sit down and talked to an older gay man who had attempted ex-gay stuff in one form or another for over 15 years before finally accepting his sexuality and that God was ok with it. Talking to him really settled things for me.

I am trying to recover now...I'm not sure how to re-join my (LGBT) community.

I have not done anything to recover except have a few limited conversations with other gay Christians.

Told people about my change of 'attitude'.

Draw close to God pray and learn about God Grace and giving myself time to air out all the garbage

I came out into the secular gay community and met many other gay men and women, and that painted a very different picture of what life as gay life can look like. As a result, my beliefs about myself and about my sexuality changed and made me a happy and healthier person.

Become a legitimate therapist and treat all sexualities as equal.

Lived & loved.

Lots of process work whilst training to be a humanistic counsellor.

I finally realized that Jesus does not say a word about homosexuality and I know in my heart that he does not support these groups or this thinking

Joined my college's LGBT community, talked with LGBT members of my faith, read the relevant Scriptures and determined they were either being warped by the anti-gay leaders or were no longer relevant to today

Recovery is a daily journey.

Seeing a psychologist, becoming an atheist, having relationships with men, accepting myself and loving myself

I have discovered the wonderful community of gay Christians and their allies, and it has helped me more than I could ever describe. Also, I have devoured books by gay Christians and allies (Chely Wright, Jay Bakker, etc). The grace I found in those things, along with just being honest with God and authentic with others has helped me recover tremendously.

Talked about with friends + thought about it + letting it go

Queer christians, disavowing organized religion, learning to love myself

I am active in the queer (non-heterosexual) community and the transgender community. I actively educate about topics of gender, sexuality, transgender, and intersex issues. I communicate my experiences through art and performance art. I have a chosen family.

Came out to a few friends from my parish who are very supportive, and found this website, and dignity, and Empty Closets forums, and went to my first PFLAG meeting.

I found a therapist who is a gay ally, and he works with me to build positive self-affirmations and teach me to love myself.

Watched "Fish Can't Fly"

Therapy. Sex Addicts Anonymous groups

Nothing yet.

Still working on that. But, I'm learning that I can be in a relationship with God no matter what and that He doesn't see me as a piece of "shit".

Finding very helpful christian gay resources all over the web! - getting in contact w/a christian LGBT-community

My mom passed and one of her last wishes was that I would find someone who I could truly love and I have.

Accepting myself as is.

I am reaching out to you guys - very scary for me to do.

Live a more prayerful life.

Accept myself as I am. Go to a “lukewarm” church that lets congregants be themselves (Brethren to Episcopal), as far as the bible...just pled with God to let me overlook it so I could go on in other areas of my life

Talked with my wife honestly and openly about how my orientation never changed despite the fact that I was able to be in love and love her. When I was ready to come out again, Landmark Education Center's courses helped me to recognize exactly who I am, and how I have a responsibility to be myself.

Lived in peace.

Lots of Counseling

Found gay-friendly Christians

A lot of positive self talk, and seeking out positive role models...

I've gotten into a long term relationship, better educated myself as well as have gotten connected with other people of faith who share my same beliefs regarding sexuality

I found an affirming charismatic church in Phoenix in the late 1980s that's largely GLBT. I worked with the Lesbian and Gay Public Awareness Project and understood what same gender attraction really is (just because I'm not having sex doesn't make me straight).

Just believing in myself. I know God is okay with everything, so why shouldn’t I be.

I think coming out in and of itself was a big step. Then I embraced who I was, and I accepted who I was. Now I'm glad that I'm gay... I LOVE being gay... I just wished that I could get laid once in a while.

Interestingly, my faith didn't waiver throughout the process, and it is my relationship with God that is bringing me healing from the both the experience in counseling and years of rejection and attempts at change from my parents and other family members. It is also my faith that gives me the confidence and truth I need to continue living my life out among people who not only don't support my choices, but who believe I'm not living God's "best" for me. There are plenty of people in my life who do support my choices; but it's important to note that I haven't run from those who don't and I actively engage them believing, probably naively, that it can only be good for them to see the love I have for my wife + the good we can do in the world and for the Kingdom because we are together.

Honestly, I still struggle with all the self hate that was created by ex-gay psychotherapy and conventions. I know I can't be in ANY relationship unless I love myself, unfortunately my experiences have taught me to hate myself. This is something I am still trying to work on.

I've made it a point to become more involved in my church community and also with the local LGBT community at the same time.

Just lived my life.

Truly sought after God & studied the message of Christ through the Holy Spirit, the overall message of the Bible, and comparing that to what I've observed in life and culture.

Discover the truth through LGBTQI ministries.

Just live a day at a time, and learning to love myself.

I met a man from Evangelicals Concerned who brought me to a Bible study for glbt folk. I also signed up on GCN (Gay Christian Network) and met several people from there in my new church which is totally glbtq inclusive. Thank God for these wonderful resources and my many new friends!!

Just be myself.

Pouring over Scripture to find what God says about homosexuality, and no rely on what others say. GCN has been a great resource.

Grown closer to God, gained a better understanding of my faith and sexuality.

Therapy, speaking out and getting involved doing art, music and video projects, the internet

I have consciously worked to increase my self esteem by taking better care of myself, having more respect and reverence for my life.

Prayers mostly.

Feeling like I can make a difference in lives of others by preventing harm and people unnecessarily wasting years of their lives trying to turn from gay to straight. As well as assisting people on their road to recovery, reconciliation of faith and/or sexuality conflict and self acceptance

Joined a 20 somethings LGBT group at my local Gay and Lesbian center and I have found other ex-gay survivors on facebook.

I have a good, strong queer family and i surround myself with love and fight for what i believe in.

Developed strong friendships with positive, strong, supportive gay men and other LGBT people. Coming out to my family was the best thing I did to help me recover.

Long term same sex relationship

Being in relationship with a gay man. Joining an inclusive community with LGBT specific bible study.

I came out, and I've stopped hating myself.

The biggest action taken is what God did, on Feb 1, 2007, he anointed me as a Prophet. The Holy Spirit told me that his Holy men and women could teach me some things. But he could teach me all things, and that's just what has been happening. Every day I gain strength and POWER from up on High.

Lots of therapy, EMDR.

Talked about my experience with others, therapy with a gay-friendly therapist, found a church who welcomes me

Discovered the Gay Christian Network website where I found a community that encouraged me as I made the tentative start to coming out. The friendships and community through GCN has been invaluable for me since I'm in a semi-rural area with a very small LGBT community.

I am currently on anti-depressants but so isolated that I am not recovering from anything!

Found a thriving faith community, inclusive of LGBT.

Became a part of gay christian network .. reaching out to gay christians in ministry .. i am in ministry still, so having communication with healthy gay christians in ministry is a big help.

I have researched scripture to come to a more balanced understanding, finally accepted myself and the fact that God loves me just as I am

Found Evangelicals Concerned and attended conventions and pursued friendships through it.

Haven't recovered yet, but have begun attending an affirming church

Still recovering

Got married to a wonderful man and stayed away from people that don't support me.

I read more books on being gay and Christian and they transformed my life.

Got a boyfriend that supported me and gave me self esteem to get out of my closet

Therapy. Inner healing prayer. Medications for depression (Wellbutrin) and anxiety (Buspar). Finding a community of gay Christians. Finding my current husband and learning to live in a healthy relationship with the man that I love. Finding a safe church where I could process and walk my journey with people who were determined to walk WITH me, instead of ahead of (telling me what I should do and how I should do it).

Counseling. Found healthy friendships outside of the church...healthy friendships in the LGBTQ community...in a committed relationship now (with someone who did not go the ex-gay route)...learning to be open about my experience with others.

Became involved in politics as the first out gay county commissioner

Through finding an affirming church, I later was able to accept and love myself, and then took a further step to eliminate religion from my life. As I put the pieces of my life, my emotions, my self-image back together, I find no room for religion, and I am happy with that.

I met a pastor of the United Church of Christ, and soon became a member, Have undergone therapy and am in a Biblical Studies program!

Online community, Counseling, Active in LGBT community

The Mankind Project, New Warrior Training Adventure, Theotherapy, The Human Awareness Institute Love Sex and Intimacy Workshops, John Hunters Male Sexuality Workshop, Debbie Ford's The Shadow Project/Process, Life coaching, now am in therapy and going to seminary.

Talked to other young LGB Christians considering (or being pressured) to go to 'ex-gay' counseling.

Accept myself "as is."

Fallen in love with two men; have stayed with one (atheist) for six years, whom I expect to mate with for the rest of my life. Moved out of America. Developed a very vigorous sexual identity.

I don't know..I have tried many things. At first I thought that having "good" sexual experiences with men would cure everything all the shame, just like how the ex-gay people told me having relationship with a woman would cure everything. In the end I found neither to be true. What I found helpful was finding a spiritual center in which I was able to define myself as I wanted to define myself. I also had to build a supportive community--not necessarily gay but a community of people who accepted me as I was and I had to cut some ties with people who could not accept me-----but in the end, I feel like I had to stop asking for people to accept me, to stop asking for permission to be who and how I am and to try to appreciate myself every day and the dogged strength it took to get out of the ex-gay life (I had to stop with the self blame that I felt after getting out of the ex-gay stuff) I had to have compassion for myself and realize that the abuse wasn't my fault, that I was raised to believe something was wrong with me, but I had to know that I as a person am beautiful and to integrate that belief system into every part of my personality...It is still a process but I am making progress.

Accepting who i really am and know I’m ok

Honestly, I still struggle with all the self hate that was created by ex-gay psychotherapy and conventions. I know I can't be in ANY relationship unless I love myself, unfortunately my experiences have taught me to hate myself. This is something I am still trying to work on.

Learned there is nothing wrong with being gay and that God didn't hate me

I'm discovering internal locus of responsibility, and thus internal locus of control. It was I who had chosen to embrace the anti-gay and ex-gay philosophies. With personal responsibility comes personal power. I'm discovering I feel more empowered to recover, the more I realize how much I had CHOSEN the earlier paths I had taken.

Listening to Christian music really helped me to accept that God Loves me exactly as I am. I also fell in Love with a beautiful woman. I make a point of giving myself positive images of lesbians everyday and I'm involved with lgbt groups.

Joined a church that accepts me; joined PFLAG; joined Reconciling Ministries Network and Methodist Federation for Social Action.

Share my experience with others. Learn to forgive.

Just lived life as openly as possible. Taught others the truth of homosexuality and the ex-gay world.

I left Christian Fundamentalism and came out as a gay Christian. I joined the Gay Christian Network and found ways to embrace my faith and my orientation. I got involved with an open and affirming church and met members of the LGBT community.

Shared my story publicly. Worked with a supportive mental health professional for years.

I left the church and no longer associate with evangelicals although I still believe in Christ.

Affirmative therapy, readings, expanded gay friendships, TWO, conferences, medication

Research, and speaking to LGBTQ Christians

Connected to a affirming church.

Found a supportive group of friends in the LGBT community who have embraced me and accepted me for who I am.

Speak out against discrimination and prejudice that some ex-gay organizations commit...LGBTQI persons should not be condemned or belittled, told they are going to hell, or made to feel "less than" because of their sexual desires. We should all respect one another, regardless of our life's choices.

Talk with other glbt-Christians, knowing that I'm not alone helps a lot.

Studied and translated all of the "clobber" passages and learned the truth that I already felt was actually the Truth that God had put in my heart.

Form healthy relationships. Found a partner in life. Found a church that supports me. Written a letter to the Ex-gay group that I was involved in to tell them that I've forgiven them.

Finding fellowship with other gay Christians.

My ex wife and I are the best of friends and are now like sisters, since I am back to living as a woman. I am so honest with myself as a female, its as if I was born genetically female and was never a male. I am able to be more honest with God, more than I've ever been able to before.

Long story, but it boils down to this: learning to believe that God loves me as I am (this after years in an abusive church from which I was booted; was also booted by close relatives, though not for anything related to sexuality). I guess I can honestly say that painful experiences do have the potential for good *if* we can learn to look at them from a different perspective. In starting to see this (still working on it!), I've had the help of a good therapist and other support as well, and have been learning to make decisions as an independent adult, not as someone who feels she has to conform at all costs. In the process, I've come to believe that LGBTQ people are very much loved by God, and my objections to marriage equality have gone out the window. Part of this is related to listening to what others have to say to me about their lives; part of it is based on the very real support extended to me by a number of LGBTQ folks during and after some painful personal experiences.

Some family has accepted me

I talk to my Mom about it openly now.

Self-study, psychological analysis

Prayer

I got rid of my crappy religion and decided that I don't care if people like me or not. But that took over a decade to do. I am so thankful to the Unitarian Universalist faith for empowering me to be a spiritual person who can be myself.

Some counseling, fell in love w/my partner and have a family of my own. Live in canada now and am married. finished my theological studies at a school where i was accepted for who i was.

Give up religious notions of human sexuality and gay-ness.

Completely new (inclusive) spiritual practice and community. Active involvement in the gay community.

Became a therapist

Never felt harmed by it. When I went I knew, I just KNEW it was all BS!

My relationship of 39 years

I read a number of books that deal with Bible scripture interpretation. Plus dealing with the Bible as a whole and not just plucked out scriptures here and there put things in perspective for me. I realized that there are many things that the Bible "condemns" that the Church today doesn't. I call it pick and choose scripture.

I met directly with two female pastors of different churches and denominations that were gay and gathered resources, I went and currently attend an affirming church that is a Bible teaching church, I attend a small group discipleship class led by two women who are loving and caring partnered believers whose stories are similar to mine, I have found a local PFLAG group that I want to attend, I have met two clinical colleagues who are lesbian and psychotherapist, and I just allow the Holy Spirit to lead me and show me the way of love, truth, honesty, and authenticity.

Gone to an LGBT friendly church who are awesome and are helping heal me.

Therapy, homo-friends,

Years and years and years of therapy, on and off, to deal with the PTSD-esque nature of the anger that I still feel, decades after having come out. The financial cost of ex-gay ministry is not what I paid during the experience (which was nothing), but the thousands of dollars I have spent for therapy to get over the experience.

I am a member of GCN, an online community of Christians who love the Lord and on a journey of reconciling their faith and sexuality.

Nothing

Accepted myself, happily partnered for 18 years, no longer promiscuous.

Therapy

Fell in love with someone from a similar background

Joined GCN years ago

I've participated in ongoing counseling with supportive therapists, I've attended coming-out workshops, I've developed a loving community of friends and family that accept me, I've sought out the writings of people who have lived valuable lives that incorporate their sexuality.

Being in a long term happy relationship has been a big help tin fulfilling my emotional needs. Intellectually, following the science as it has developed has enabled me to think clearly. The LDS gay group, Affirmation, and their resources on the web, have helped with the religious issues.

Being true to myself, an understanding up, lots of love and support from my girlfriend

Came to terms with myself, met gay friends, and learned about more than what was crammed down my throat by anti gay society.

Counsellor training

Being in love with a wonderful man and being loved in return

I had to get to a point where I was strong enough to withstand the storm...loss of friends, family, divorce, loss of respect in christian community, loss of my job, etc... to make the needed changes in my life. It's been almost three years since I came out, and I have never once regretted my decision. Even through the worst of the storm (others' responses to me), I was at complete peace within myself for the first time in my life. I have had to rebuild completely, and am still in process.

I have accepted my sexuality, entered a serious and long term relationship with a same sex partner, I have come out to my friends and will be coming out to my parents soon, I also began seeking affirming faith communities.

I have approached God from a different perspective. I have developed a new sense of self while not throwing away the experiences that made my life what it is.

Peterson Toscano has in more than one way been the person that helped me to recover from it. Also meeting my loving partner while at Straight Camp certainly the two of us have healed each other.

Went to a non biased therapist who has been loving and kind and accepting and walking me thru a lot of healing.

LifeSpring. The Advocate Experience. Gay lovers, especially my 11 year relationship

Counseling.

Read, talked with other guys, study groups, accepted myself

Personal counseling with an affirmative therapist, prayer, spiritual meditation, reading, talking with affirming friends, etc.

Counseling. Therapy. Coming out to some friends, a few folks at work, and my kids. Attending Muslim LGBTQ worship services and events when I can (which unfortunately isn't often, due to where I now live). Reading as much "gay stuff" as possible. But I still have a long way to go. And I can never get all those years back.

My ex wife and I are the best of friends and are now like sisters, since I am back to living as a woman. I am so honest with myself as a female, its as if I was born genetically female and was never a male. I am able to be more honest with God, more than I've ever been able to before.

Grown deeper in my faith in God. The major encouragement to leave the ex-gay group was finding a charismatic church in Phoenix that was largely GLBT. Today, I am active in a straight-friendly mainstream (UCC) congregation in Reno.

I was told about GCN in the summer of 2002, ironically enough by a person who used to attend the same ex-gay group as me.

Accepted who I am

Processed ad nauseum.

I did therapy for a while. I forgave the spiritual abusers, forgave the people who had hurt me. Went to college and got back into church.

Involved myself with groups and friends who love me unconditionally. Separated myself from family and groups who were toxic on issues of homosexuality.

Engaging in continued spiritual practices on my own, becoming somewhat familiar with the scientific literature pertaining to sexual orientation, examining contrasting perspectives, listening to the stories of others who have left ex-gay experiences behind and what helped them

The first step was the hardest, and that was "cold-turkey" deprogramming; embraced agnosticism/atheism; seek support group at the Stanislaus Pride Center; changed my political views; utilize the use of a public library; and networked with supporters on Facebook.

Therapy, great friendships (both straight and gay), dating same-sex people

Worked with rights groups to make things better for all of us

I have watched a lot of videos on YouTube: Michael Bussee, Kathy Verbiest Baldock, Gay Christian Network.

Meeting and getting to know other gay people.

Studied scripture and theology apart from the church. Met LGBT Christians.

Came to truly understand that God loves me exactly the way I am. Attending a fully affirming church has helped as well.

Bible study with other LGBT Christians. The presence and outreach of the Gay Christian Network, Whosoever.org, and other gay Christian sites.

I have moved away from the harmful mentality and into a supportive environment.

I wasn't harmed. The experience helped me realize that I can not change and that I should accept who I am.

Using love as my guide in life, rather than the Bible or Church doctrine.

I found an "Open and Affirming" Presbyterian church, that helped me accept that God loves me, and gifted me with my sexuality. I am now completing my MDiv at a progressive seminary loosely affiliated with the American Baptists.

I have gone to counseling (with a real therapist) and shared my story with close friends.

GLBT Christian groups, lots of independent study.

Therapy, supportive and loving relationships, talking with others about their experiences.

I am in love with a wonderful man.. who loves God and loves me without condition.

Found the Gay Christian Network. Met openly gay Christians. Became an openly gay Christian. Married the love of my life.

Studied and translated all of the "clobber" passages and learned the truth that I already felt was actually the Truth that God had put in my heart.

Came out. Started dating. Fell in love. Got (gay) married :-) Read books. Talked through stuff with my (gay) spouse. Talked through the experiences with affirming Christians and Quakers (and Quaker Christians). Dialog with other ex-gay survivors. Blogged about the experience. Participated in two documentaries about exgay therapy. Protested outside a love won out conference.

Being true to me has been most helpful. I had to come out, lose everything and everyone in my life, in order to be free. I was the Women's Ministry Director at Portland Fellowship in Portland, OR, for two years, and worked as a ministry leader there for a total of seven years. I feel more regret at my involvement as a leader than at my having been a participant. The fact that I perpetuated what I now know is not true causes tremendous heartache for me. I have apologized to some of the men and women I "ministered" to, but feel like there is more that I need to do at some point. I have needed to take the last couple years to let the dust settle on all the changes that occurred in my life when I came out, so I have chosen not to involve myself in any ex-ex-gay movements. I did lose everything and everyone, except my daughter, when I came out, but I knew that would be the case. I had to get to a point where I was strong enough to withstand the storm...loss of friends, family, divorce, loss of respect in christian community, loss of my job, etc... to make the needed changes in my life. It's been almost three years since I came out, and I have never once regretted my decision. Even through the worst of the storm (others' responses to me), I was at complete peace within myself for the first time in my life. I have had to rebuild completely, and am still in process:). Thank you for the work you do. It is very necessary.

Written about my experiences, gotten to know others with similar experiences.

Met gay people, especially other ex-gay survivors, and talked through our shared experiences.

Lived my life accepting myself and being happy.

Talked with other Christian lesbians and gay men. Studied the Bible for myself. Read books by ex-ex-gays/lesbians.

Healing began when I first attended affirming LGBT Pentecostal churches in New York. Bishop Yvette Flunder preached at one of them and she changed my life.

Not believing in the mainstream Christian minutia. God loves us all.

Found a church in San Francisco, City of Refuge that gave me my spiritual foundation back and has given me the opportunity to help countless people by understanding their walk!

Participated in the Equality Ride, sought counseling, worked with religious progressives to restore some aspects of my faith, found a partner, fell in love, started a family.

I have now been in a monogamous same-sex relationship for 22 years. my marriage was 9 years.

Participate in direct actions against religious bigotry, attend conferences, work for LGBTQ centered nonprofit

Become myself and forced the Mormons to excommunicate me

Meeting my loving partner while at Straight Camp - certainly the two of us have healed each other.

I have become a part of GCN a wonderful lgbtq christian community. I now go to an affirming church called Ekklesia in Portland, OR where I have met some of the best friends I have ever had. I am also part of a gay Bible study called Anawim and have met and have friendships with some of the most wonderful men I have ever met.

Supporting Gay Christians, attending an affirming church

I attended a Metropolitan Community church; I found gay friends.

Came out to self and others, married my same gender partner.

Try to reach out to others that have gone through the same path. It has been almost 4 years since I came out of ex-gay therapy... and I just started going to a healthy counselor this past February to work through everything.

Self acceptance is key

Volunteer with LGBTQ youth to help them understand and be comfortable with themselves.

I discovered a wealth of helpful resources online, including websites like Truth Wins Out, Box Turtle Bulletin, Ex-gay Watch, BXG, Soulforce, etc. Beyond that, I haven't sought out any other significant recovery options.

Found a different therapist

Being in a relationship and talking to as many GLBT people as i can to find encouragement and strength in their own struggles.

Have developed many Christian/Gay friendships and realized the truth in Scripture.

Rejected every idea taught by people who hold those deluded beliefs, and found a family in the LGBTQ community.

I learned to realize God loves me uniquely. Sexual orientation cannot be changed!

Acceptance by my best friend, having people to talk to, to talk about my same sex attraction openly. It is a relief to admit my attraction to women. I am proud of that I am a woman who is attracted to other women.

Just tried to read and find out as much as possible about homosexuality and causes of it. Tried to find community of acceptance.

I joined the Gay Christian Network where I realized that as a gay person I have OPTIONS about how I live my life.

I was participating in a course with Landmark Education and finally understood that all the shame I had around being gay wasn't actually truth, it was just people's opinions and not who I am.

I came out and divorced at age 44

Remove myself from situations that speak double talk - say they are welcoming on one end but then turn around say that homosexuality is still a sin.

I am an author and speak out to others about creating loving relationships, friendships and community connections and how to integrate sexuality and faith. Sharing my stories and providing a space for others to share their stories is the primary agent of my healing.

Learned to accept me for me and for the way God created me.

I went through four years of counseling, I stood up to my father, and I allowed myself to be loved by a wonderful man. I am now married to that man!

Left Exodus, met gay Christians, got some real therapy, read a lot, prayed a lot. Unlearned much of what I had been taught and what I had come to believe.

Accepted myself for who I am--a lesbian. Asked God to forgive me for ever doubting the He loved me just the way I am and accepted me just the way He made me. Came out officially to family and friends. Am in my first healthy relationship. My life partner and I have known each other since junior high school.

...still working on that.

Religious Science/Science of Mind workshops, the California Mens Gathering , Debbie Ford's The Shadow Effect, Theotherapy, the Mankind Project (www.mkp.org) New Warrior Training Adventure and Integration groups and mens circles, John Hunter's Male Sexuality Workshop, the Human Awareness Institute (ww.hai.org) Love, Sex & Intimacy workshops at Harbin, am attending the Pacific School of Religion pursuing my Masters in theological studies with a focus in sexuality & spirituality, stumbled into the Radical Faery movement and am now studying other religions including the interconnections of Wicca and Pagan practices with Christianity and now I am considering joining an all male coven.

Seeing a gay therapist and online support groups, making gay friends and in a relationship now

Living openly, and being loved by God

Talk therapy. Connecting with other ex-ex-gays online

I am currently seeing a counselor whom I have talked with about some of my experiences at Love in Action. I attend a Christian LGBT faith group on a regular basis and am finding positive role models in the LGBT community that I did not necessarily believe existed before.

Abandon religion.

I have found an evangelical community of faith where I can grow and be in Christian fellowship regardless of my sexual orientation or preference. This was after relocating to a new city to "start over" and be true to myself in every way and not to live a double life.

Continued on in study, written, spoken about experiences, provided places for LGBTQ people of faith to discuss faith.

Telling my story - therapy

Speaking about it with other people, helping others who are going through the same thing

Left the pentecostal church for one thing. Although I still go to church I do not blindly follow any longer. I did a lot of reading and researching on the internet. God was a big help.

Lots of therapy. Embraced sexual pleasure. Personalized my relationship with God

Keep praying, going to confession and staying active and accept good associations

Establish a gay identity; love from my partner and now husband.

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