Dr. Jallen Rix
“Imagine your adult self somehow going back in time and seeing your younger self working through problems, and struggling to figure life’s challenges. What would you say to your younger self? How would you nurture and support your younger self? What would you tell your younger self not to worry about, and could you forgive your younger self for the mistakes made simply because you were doing the best you could with what you were given?”
I’ve thought a lot about this valuable “guided meditation” of time travel, especially in light of attending an ex-gay group for about eight months and how I struggled with my gay sexuality and christian spirituality. My life definitely turned out a lot different than I had anticipated. Most of all, it has become far more adventurous, far more loving, and far more spiritually fulfilling than I would have ever imagined.
Here’s some of what I believed while I was in the ex-gay movement (and what I was told by Christian leadership) would happen to me if I accepted my gay sexuality:
- Everyone whom I held dear - family and friends - would reject me, and I would be totally alone without any community.
- I would contract AIDS and die.
- Like crossing a line of no return, my spirituality would dry up and wither because my sexual “obsession” would take over and absorb every bit of life out of me.
- I would lose my faith and relationship with God - this sounded like the definition of going to hell to me!
- If I explored alternative avenues of understanding about homosexuality outside the church (a therapist, scientific research, secular movies, books, or friends) I would be utterly deceived and lead astray.
- I would never have a loving, long term, relationship.
Accepting my homosexuality would result in the corruption of my talents and spiritual gifts, the destruction of my ministry, and my ability to help others would be severely limited.- I would emotionally become a bitter, sad, regretful, isolated old queen.
Here’s what actually happened:
- I did not get AIDS. I have kept my sexual activity safe and with low risk. The most I have ever needed were some anti-biotics for minor infections. The more responsible I am with my pleasure, the less stress and worry I have.
- Once I “crossed that line” and gained a truly different perspective, I realized life was not all dark and dreary “on the other side.” I could be gay, accept myself and choose a happy fulfilling life all at the same time.
- My spirituality did not dry up. In fact, it now seems like my walk with God in the ex-gay world was like watching an old silent film. When I began to accept my life unconditionally, following the example of God’s unconditional love, it’s as if my spirituality morphed into a 3D video game without having to use those special glasses! I found God’s presence was everywhere!
- It’s true, on the one hand, I did lose the closeness of a number of friends and family members who were not comfortable accepting my sexuality. I realized that they were human like all of us, and if that was the best they could do, I wanted to find it in my heart to accept them as they are. On the other hand, I now have more close friendship, and tight connections than I have time to maintain. These people have got my back, accept me, and love me regardless of my sexuality.
- Furthermore, I have had a 12 year relationship that met every one of my hopes in a partner, and he was someone I was truly sexually attracted to–nothing to fake here.
- My gifts, talents and opportunities to minister continue to grow. In fact, the more honest and authentic I am about my journey, the more it seems to help others since they can relate more to what I’ve been through.
- My sexuality, spirituality, and the rest of me have all found their balance, and I can go whole seasons without a shred of shame, bitterness, or regret. Sure, life is still full of challenges, but now I surmount them with joy, humor, excitement, and gratitude.
Here’s a few things that really helped...
- I recognized that my ex-gay experience was a limited picture of sexuality, and a narrow outlook on God’s love. It is a fact that complete denominations of the church fully embrace the sexual diversity of its members - and this kind of acceptance is growing. Wherever you are in your process, you are not alone!
- I learned that the church (or an ex-gay ministry) is not responsible for making the decisions for my life. Not even God does this for me. As an “adult, child of God,” I am responsible for making the decisions that bring about the good and the not so good things in my life. What’s great is all that I have learned so far has made me the best person for the job of plotting my own future and making my dreams come true.
- Sometimes, the only way to stop playing games is to let go of the need to “win.” Only when I quit and walked away could I find real and balanced perspective. Only when I got off the merry-go-round of trying to change was I able to realize that I was completely acceptable to God and perfectly worthy of love just as I am.
Jallen Rix holds a Doctorate of Education in Sexology and is Associate Professor at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. His book, Ex-Gay No Way: Survival and Recovery from Religious Abuse, outlines his journey through the ex-gay world and what he did to recover from it. Contact him at doctorrix.com.